How Not to Take a Pill

Location is very important when deciding to take medication. Over a toilet or sink drain, outside in the grass or mud, and while driving are all equally bad places to take a pill. My personal preference for worst spot is in the kitchen after cooking waffles and making a mess on the floor. Even better if a box of d-CON mice and rat poison is tucked under the base of the cabinets where a dropped pill invariably will fall. These locations are best suited for when the pill to be taken costs over $2.00 a piece, is the last one in the bottle, the last refill for the prescription, on a weekend when the doctor will not be available to renew the script, and the headache or itch from the allergies is just coming on.
Do not pick up the pill securely between thumb and two fingers, cupping your other hand underneath to catch it should it fall, and place it on your tongue. Instead drop the pill into the flat palm of your weaker hand, open your lips wide, and perform a catapult-type action moving your forearm to a ninety degree angle, hoping the pill will fly up and into your waiting mouth. It will not. Instead, it will make one of the most elegant maneuvers in the history of pharmacology, a double-back flip with a Singapore landing to fall right beside the blue-green crystals that are so attractive yet lethal to rodents. When you bend down to pick it up you will notice that next to the pill are the droppings of the furry creatures who feasted last night at the smorgasbord of death. They are the long and black things. The pill is the round white one. When you pick it up, stare at it for several minutes trying to decide if it can be salvaged. Will scraping off the outside help? Maybe with a paper towel? Will running it under the sink clean it enough to make it safe? Your headache or allergic reaction is really starting to kick in now. When you do take it to the faucet, remember what I said about sink drains.